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| Thursday, October 29, 2009 |
| allie ♥ 10:57 PM |
| Tuesday, October 27, 2009 |
I love Julie & Julia...the movie feels so real, though it was really based on a true story. The way it was shot and made, really brought me into their world. I guess the reason why I could relate with it closely was because I do know the characters that were portrayed, and the topics...so familiar and close to my heart. Writing a cookbook is indeed not easy. The amount of research, testing and troubleshooting that goes into it, one can easily tell but how foolproof the recipe really is. Some recipes were written without testing, hence the results yielded from it varies greatly. Some experience success, some extreme failure. Care needs to be taken when choosing and buying such books, cos the effort that goes into each book can make or break it. I love the passion Julia showed in her work, her determination in excelling in her field. It's inspiring for me...shows that it's never too late to learn and neither are you doomed to fail. A book I got recently is really set apart from the other books I own. The recipes are very detailed, and every one that I've tried, were absolutely foolproof (provided you're not an idiot in the kitchen). Baking from the book is always a great experience because you know you're going to get good results...just like having her in the kitchen with you. Lovely. Flooded with thoughts after the movie, so many scenarios, feelings that I can identify with, so real. I love it. Also, it was great to have a real friend with me, who allowed me to be myself once again. Thank you for tonight. |
| allie ♥ 11:29 PM |
| Monday, October 26, 2009 |
Go away, and leave me alone. |
| allie ♥ 10:57 PM |
To him, and to her, I'm always the wrong one, always the one who needs to change. Did I resist change? No. Does anyone know that I tried? No. I have to try to fulfill it, at the same time remain optimistic and not plunge into depression because of all the unhappiness resulting from these expectations. To them, everyone else is wrong. The scenario I was faced with yesterday was ever so familiar. Telling all of us how we don't value her, ALL of us. I admitted I was wrong and what did she tell me? That I wasn't, that she was wrong. I agree with her also wrong, disagree, even more wrong. Nothing we say is right. Trust me, if you were in my shoes for one day, you would totally understand what I mean. But yet, there are people who love to think they know everything, the cause and effect and how my religion is the cause for all the unhappiness around me. Some people just love it when other people can't sleep because of them, can't breathe, can't eat, can't live properly because of them. They get all the attention, and take it for granted that they will get the attention. Every time she walks away, it reminded me of how I used to do that. Whenever I wasn't happy, I would walk away, knowing that people would come after me. But did I ever realise how much hurt I was doing to those who love me? No, not until I was the one who had my loved ones walking away from me. If you knew how much it took for the battered self to keep on chasing, keep on following the person who walked away, out of care, out of love, out of concern...if only you knew. Watching how daddy followed her despite her stubbornness, how daddy kept her company all night despite having to work and drive the next morning, how daddy was patient with her despite all the unreasonableness, how she was loved despite all that happened, I cried. I lagged behind, taking all this in my sight, tears flowing uncontrollably. I spent the entire day crying, the scene reminded me of familiar scenarios I've been in. The hurt inflicted on me, the hurt I inflicted on others, all coming back at once. I couldn't care less who is looking, and watched the sad faces of the two guys around me, and the angry face of hers. Hello....we are a family. All along I only heard her side of the story, never my dad's side. All along it was about what she suffered throughout the years, hence it resulted in the behaviour today. This story sounds so familiar, just like what he told me isn't it. What he suffered at the hands of others, what he went through, hence resulting in the him today. Other people are human as well. If you don't want to be subjected to the same treatment, don't treat others like this. I admire daddy for his patience and endurance, I gave up already, but he didn't. Just like how a person I remember never gave up on me. If only she knew how painful it is for him. It probably doesn't matter, cos what she went through is far worse than what others experienced. I cry, I get scolded. He scolds me, bro scolds me, mum scolds me. I can't even cry properly in front of the people who claim they love me. I don't need you to fuss over me, all I need to freedom to cry. You don't even need to ask or comfort me, cos I know once I wake up the next day, everything will be fine. It's too tiring to hold on to sadness and anger overnight. Someone will tell me, stop acting pitiful. Lol. If only I know how to act... Disclaimer: If anybody THINKS I'm referring to you here, I wasn't. The person I'm referring to already knows it, without a doubt. |
| allie ♥ 12:12 PM |
| Friday, October 23, 2009 |
| allie ♥ 9:44 AM |
| Thursday, October 22, 2009 |
| allie ♥ 9:35 AM |
| Monday, October 19, 2009 |
Met someone yesterday that reminded me of someone I used to know. Oh so familiar, yet such a stranger. Honestly, I'm feeling very unmotivated and lost, no sense of purpose or pride. Perfectly happy hiding in my room, curled up with a good book in my bed. If not for the renewed passion for baking, I don't know where I will be now. Just made these today...chocolate chip cookies.  Head over to Sweets and Loves if you're keen to read on. |
| allie ♥ 9:55 PM |
| Saturday, October 10, 2009 |
I've always been reluctant to hate, trying to accept everything as much as I could. But a new lesson's learnt today - that if you don't hate something, you won't shun it. The tricks that were played with myself, playing on my strengths as well as my weaknesses, exploiting those very traits of mine, simply made this more pronounced. You know, I realised I can say, but never mean "never". Cos who I am to say that I will never commit the same mistakes again? Never go down the same path again? I think it's ridiculous how people claim to promise and fail to keep their promises, yet keep making promises again and again just to keep breaking them each time. I think man ought to know their limits and stop uttering stupid words that bring chaos to the already chaotic world. Then again, man are the ones who brought chaos in the first place. I've told myself before that I would be more careful, more selective next time. But in the end? *laughs* This shows how much wisdom and "intelligence" I have. I have alot more to learn....haha... |
| allie ♥ 10:54 PM |
| Wednesday, October 07, 2009 |
The bitter irony of it. |
| allie ♥ 3:58 PM |
| Tuesday, October 06, 2009 |
It was already a tough day at work, having sprained my ankle in the most unlikely of circumstances - i.e. walking in the office, with me sandwiched between two superiors and getting screaming attention from them. It was not welcomed, and it added on to the mounting pressure I'm facing from him. The harsh judgement, incorrect potrayal accented by the vulgarities. Enough is enough. Although I understand his point, I cannot take this. Neither do I deserve such treatment. No matter what are the reasons behind this behaviour, I cannot live with this treatment. I wish people could just get off my back for abit...especially those closer to me. Cos I'm being squashed in one corner...all my own fault, I know...for giving way...for being unable to pull away and stand on firmly on my own grounds. I can't expect people to understand me and not push me. This is the real world isn't it...that I have to be pushed and squashed and squeezed to no end. Till there's nowhere else for me to go. Till I decide to break out of this cycle and move wherever I want to move. Tears never flowed this hard, this fast. Everything just compounded, making things seem worse than it actually is. There I was, sitting at my desk, tears streaming down my face, people hounding me from the front, back and even on my computer...I cannot take it anymore. Looking away from all this, I wondered if there's anyone I can turn to. And I realised, there's no one. All my friends have become "virtual" friends. That's cos everyone seems to have their own lives after getting attached. Some, I've tried to keep up with, but nothing came out of it. Others, seeing them happily leading attached lives, I've ceased to bother them or ask them out. No one seems to be real anymore. I came back home and looked at my mum, my bro. They're always there when I needed them, yet there's so much I can't share....something holding me back, preventing me from sharing everything. And there are people whom I know will be there, but I've shut them all out since 7 months ago. The only person whom I'm inflicting pain on is myself. Why am I taking all of this on myself once again? And putting myself through this bloody pain? The only person who seemingly "shared" my pain decided not to do so anymore, and inflicted more on me, oblivious to the damage that was caused. Enough is enough. I think I failed to defend myself when it mattered, I failed to walk away from the hurt, the pain, time and time again. Can I blame others for the treatment? No...because I allowed it. I allowed them to treat me like this....I made myself shut everything out, only to cause more pain to myself. At this very moment, despite my circumstances, I know I have alot. Thanks to my job, my family, my friends, and even my colleagues. I can't say I have nothing, because I do have something. Though I've lost, it won't remain my loss forever. It's just so hard, to reinforce that to myself. So hard, to keep telling myself that it's true when everything just goes so wrong. As much as I feel very alone, very down, very painful now, it's not the end of the world. It's one bad day at work, in life, one day in my entire life to date. I'd like very much to have someone to pour things out to, to just be myself without thinking about how the other person might think of me. I'd like to have that someone there for me. At this moment, there seems to be no one...and I'll have to make do crying alone. I don't wish to pretend anymore...that everything is okay. That I can handle it, that it doesn't matter if people don't have time for me. I'm partly at fault...for pretending, for not pushing on, for not being thick-skinned enough to keep trying. Just as I'm writing this, I received a message telling me how I've dashed his dreams, and, nicely laced with vulgarities. Sorry to say this, but this wasn't my fault. I don't wish to trace it to the root cause once again hence I'll just leave it to imagination. Nursing my broken and bruised self...it hurts, literally and figuratively. It can't get any worse, can it? Tomorrow will be a better day, wont it? |
| allie ♥ 10:33 PM |
| Sunday, October 04, 2009 |
Staying positive is the key to a happy girl. |
| allie ♥ 9:11 PM |
| Thursday, October 01, 2009 |
| allie ♥ 4:11 PM |
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