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| Wednesday, September 30, 2009 |
| allie ♥ 4:51 PM |
| Monday, September 28, 2009 |
I was strong...merely for one moment when I rebutted those accusations...and then, I crumbled...again.... |
| allie ♥ 10:17 PM |
| Sunday, September 27, 2009 |
Today was yet another day when I was reminded about how lousy a person I am, how unknowledgeable and ignorant I was in his eyes. Enlightening indeed. And this time round, Im definitely super, extremely disappointed...and decided I shall not be stupid again. I shall not elaborate more...I think those who know me will know what I'm getting at. Even if i speak in riddles, somehow you'll understand. Trying to stash away those memories deep deep down so that I cannot retrieve them...yet things that are handed to me on purpose just dug them all up once again. Things at my door, things in my home, in my room, on my laptop...so many. Enough is enough. "Don't cry" were the words for me...so were "things you've lost shall be restored". Sweet sweet comfort amidst of the turbulent times in my life. On a happier note, I had a great, great weekend despite all this. Thanks to a sweet friend who happened to have extra tickets to the Formula 1 race. I opted to go for qualifying, and it was a great experience.  Sunday was family day. We headed over to big aunt's place to eat Satay Zulut (no idea how it's spelt). It was yummy! Though nowhere near the authentic Malacca one, but yummy all the same. And to see my nieces and nephews, it was a real treat. They were just so entertaining, so funny. I enjoyed visiting my relatives, especially this side of the family. My grandma has moved home, and is stay at my aunt's place for care-giving purposes. She looks frail, but is able to walk now. Still needs help though...hope she gets better soon. Just finished watching the race on TV and Lewis Hamilton won. He's quite a personality...charming and a good, distinctive driver. I enjoy watching him race...and I like watching Button, Rosberg, Vettel and Alonso. Ferrari was disappointing, but I'm glad to see the non-favoured teams shining this season. It's great for a change....makes the sport exciting and less predictable. Well, now I wonder, what's next...? Crying is definitely not on my list. |
| allie ♥ 11:04 PM |
| Friday, September 25, 2009 |
If only she was slower and more friendly to me...life would be alot easier. If only she wouldn't bite me...life would be less painful. If only she would cooperate and be tamed by me...life would be alot happier. Those...are not really the if only's that are on my mind...lol. Sidetracked. If only I am appreciated a little more...I probably wouldn't feel so unworthy. If only someone told me what the end was...I probably wouldn't have let it start. If only someone told me the truth...I probably would have known. If only I didn't allow myself to be weak...I wouldn't be crying. I thought I was being the little girl I always wanted to be...going with the flow, enjoying being cared for, enjoying being a follower. Turned out that the little girl was just a facade. She was expected to be strong, to be that 打不死的蟑螂公住, who just won't give up, who'll will just keep giving in, keep hanging in, yet soft, gentle, easy-going, loving and a keen follower all the same. Peculiar...yes. Ironic...yes. If only I wasn't the me I am today...I wouldn't have started all this and be in this position. But the point is...I am me. And that is a fact. Sometime tells me I always paint myself as the victim. Fortunately or unfortunately, this time round, I really am. Instead of feeling sorry for my own plight (which doesn't change anything), I probably should be more constructive. Everyday wake up dry-eyed, go to sleep in tears, wake up feeling as though I haven't slept in days. I don't like this. I feel helpless...yet I'm seemingly able to help myself. That is, if I resolve and decide to do so. Sometimes when the entire world tells you the same thing, no matter how hard you try to shut it all out, it inevitably gets in. 哭有时，笑有时...sometimes life's lessons can also be learnt...in places where the issues are made up rather than real. Yet some people aspire a life like reel....the irony of it...lol. I'm guilty of it sometimes...cos things just don't go the way you want it to. I can dream, can't I? |
| allie ♥ 11:40 PM |
| Tuesday, September 22, 2009 |
If you follow the wrong star, my love will get you home. If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone, Get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home. Boy, my love will get you home. If the bright lights blinds your eyes, my love will get you home. If your troubles break your stride, my love will get you home. If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone, Get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home. Boy, my love will get you home. If you ever feel ashamed, my love will get you home. If its only you to blame, my love will get you home. If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone, Get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home. Boy, my love will get you home. Watching 唐心风暴today, I cried, tears streaming down my face. A scenario which resembles a real life one playing right before my eyes...yet the end is so dissimilar, foreign even. What's left are the ''what if's'' and ''if only's''...no reality, no truth. Feeling lost...so many things going through my head I feel like it's gonna explode. Who understands? The person who claimed he does, so many times, actually doesn't...not at all. You said I chose, and repeated what I chose. You're wrong...what you saw with your own two eyes aren't the truth...in fact, far from it. You told me to seek my happiness, what constitutes my happiness? You don't know. What makes me happy? A life that's carefree, with the person I love and whom I love there for me through thick and thin, through happy times, sad times, challenging times, growing and feeding off each other. A relaxed mind, spirit and soul, with clarify and conviction. A loving heart that's willing, compassionate and forgiving. Unfortunately, a person who's so close to me, knew so little about me. What did I choose? Not a religion, not a certain group of people, not a lifestyle, but a person. A person who's willing to be with me through thick and thin, happy and sad times. A person who understands and know my heart, my character, my strengths, my weaknesses. A person who makes me grow, allows me to grow, supporting me throughout. A person who's always there when I need, especially in trying and challenging times. A person who respects me as an individual, trusts me as a partner and loves me for who I am. Why am I so adamant? Because I can't see that person...not anymore. The more you tell me, the more you try to convince me, the more you try to sway me in a certain direction, all these acts against the principles of the person I chose. Moreover, a person who doesn't listen to me...merely confirms my own 'importance' in his life. The things you said, might be true. No one knows what exists and what doesn't. People go by sight, believe what they see more than what they can't. You are adamant about your own choice, I respect that, which is why i never argued against your point, just kept repeating my own feelings, views and opinions. If you recall, I never argued against your stand, never bothered. Two reasons - one, you'd never listen to me and two, it doesn't matter cos you're fully entitled to your own views. You said you understood me for repeating...now on hindsight, do you? Conclusion was made based by sight, as it's been rightly pointed out by you, you can't trust me, not at all. You may be right, that I'm silly to believe in what I believe. One day, who knows, I might find that all this is just a lie. But till then, do you know? You said you don't...then why be so adamant about it? Yes, it's your choice. Even if I die, it doesn't change anything, it doesn't change how you think and your decision. This is the killer line...just shows how much I mean to you. It's strangely funny that people love to act superior when they claim to have certain 'knowledge' over others. What does knowledge do? Does it make them better people? Does it cause them to make better decisions? We all feel that it does. Even in believing, the knowledge that things cannot appear from thin air, it must come from somewhere, led us to believe that God created us. The tree of knowledge vs the tree of life...it's a neverending debate...and a non-conclusive one. At which point does knowledge end and life start? When that point is found, that's when true 'life' starts... I always found it humbling when people admit mistakes, admit they're wrong, admit they're responsible even when they aren't. The willingness to give up their so-called 'face' for their lower-placed subordinates, for their spouses, for their children, for love, is humbling. There's no glory in submitting to the strong (they won you hands-down anyway, what's so difficult about it) but there's glory in submitting to the weak or those lesser than you. It takes true humility and a big heart to do that. Mind you, I never said I was any of those above. I'm not. I'm far away from the person I ought to be...and the person I want to be. In the show, it was a struggle to tell someone that he's forgiven. And with every minute those words are held in the heart, there's no release. You are forgiven, I don't hate you. Like you said, it's tiring to hate...and it is. In the show, he said he was the one who never understood how much he hurt her. No one will understand how much I was hurt in the process. Day-by-day accounts on the moments that passed without her...the memories, the love still lingers... Haha...it's just a show. I'm being my usual dreamy and melancholic self again. Shall stop here and continue in my dream world....goodnite... |
| allie ♥ 10:39 PM |
| Friday, September 18, 2009 |
I recall mummy's words when she told me "if he hadn't let you go, you wouldn't be in this state today would you". Now thinking...her words are so true. I'm not a person who can break ties or relationships with a simple line or action. I'm not someone who can leave just because i feel im being unfairly treated. No matter how im being treated, i don't think i'll ever have the heart to leave if he keeps coming back for me. And I actually never realised this until today. Yet mummy knew, all along, exactly how her daughter was like. And I'm just running behind to catch up with her in a race to know myself. I am resigned, exhausted. The series of events just showed me clearly how a relationship takes two hands to clap. If the right hand move towards the left but the left moves away, there's no synchronisation, no synergy, no sound. It's the constant effort in aligning yourself to the direction of movement of the other hand that produces the sound. I feel like the hand that keeps moving to find the other, while the other hand keeps moving away, motioning for me to follow in whichever direction it goes. If i swing hard enough, it hits, but only momentarily. I might miss a second time, a third time, only to hit it again at the fourth try. If i stop trying, the hand won't come and find me. And the resulting silence is deafening. Silence rings in my ears. Silence all around in my life. It's gonna be quiet...quiet...quiet...until I move again...until a hand decides to reach for me... |
| allie ♥ 4:30 PM |
| Thursday, September 17, 2009 |
I know i shouldn't be beating myself up about it, but i do. I wish I could really do everything. But who cares about whether I'm happy or not? So what if i've done everything? When I cry, nobody cares still. When ppl walk away, i still have to chase. When I walk away, i still have to contend with being alone. So what if i did? A simple outing becomes a non-event. Simple happiness turned into floodwaters that never ceases. Who cares about whether I retain any part of what makes me the person I am. Who cares about whether I'm happy doing all these. Who cares about my life, my health, my wellness, my happiness? As it all turned out, no one does. It cannot coexist, cannot. I told myself to be strong. Yet all the strength translated into tears upon the closure of my room door. The nights spent hiding beneath my blanket, wetting my sheets with tears. Days spent with hourly drops of eye mo to wet my dehydrated eyes. I feel so helpless...the tears just won't stop. I'm just being pushed to one corner...does anyone know how it feels? I want to do so, very much....very much! But who cares about me? Who cares about how much my heart hurts right now? Sometimes I wish I'm more hardhearted. Take things in my stride and just refuse to cry or look back anymore. But I'm not. Why? The pain in my heart just keeps coming, more and more painful each time I breathe. And nobody knows or cares...how do I get used to this. I need to... Drop me a line if you care......it hurts...way too much... |
| allie ♥ 10:03 PM |
| Tuesday, September 15, 2009 |
| allie ♥ 10:50 PM |
| Saturday, September 12, 2009 |
My dear Xiao Bai has moved to a new home! My favourite cage i've been eyeing for sometime has finally been bought! This is my new sanko-wild cage in pink. Super transparent so I can watch every move she makes.    See her prancing around her new home...so cute! And at last, resting in her favourite position on the wheel. I've relented and put back her tunnel for her as it's her favourite hideout. Still waiting for the day when she will not bite me anymore...lol. |
| allie ♥ 11:29 PM |
| Friday, September 04, 2009 |
How it feels when you are concerned about someone who's unwell and ask about his whereabouts? He refuses to tell you and end up some other person was there? >> Like shit. I'm worried here about you and yet you don't wanna tell me where you are. Probably cos you don't want me there, probably because someone else was there with you. Ouch...at least, the flowers made it there. How it feels when because of that, he says THAT person was there for him and I wasn't? >> Like shit cos I have no idea that happened? I asked, and asked, and asked and asked and asked and you wouldn't tell me? And I'm being blamed for a crime i wasn't even aware of? How it feels when that someone tells you his ex always understands and always "listens" to him? >> Like shit cos the place shouldn't have belonged to me. Seemed like i barged in when the place obviously belongs to someone else before. How it feels like to be called ugly names when others are lifted up and called "serious, loving, sincere"? >> Numb. Why do I ask so many questions...because the first was never answered and not only that, subsequently the person refused to answer. Hence I became a stupid, naggy, inquisitive person who simply don't hold a crystal ball or has telepathic powers to read his mind. Just. Not. Good. Enough. For. Him. I concede defeat. |
| allie ♥ 4:09 PM |
| Tuesday, September 01, 2009 |
In the end, everything turns to naught. Nothing can be done. When the only request made to me that I cannot do, it spells t-h-e e-n-d. I couldn't control it, tears fell in sheets....my heart crying out in pain. To me, this is totally unfair...totally, unfair. Yet the blame was put on me, saying i chose this route. Yes, in a way i did, if i have to take the blame. But what about all the promises that went unfulfilled. What about all the "I will" and " I can" that became "i can't" and "i cannot". I feel victimised for a crime that i did not commit, i feel wronged, feel punished, feel betrayed. I had enough of keeping everything to myself. Is it my fault for not being able to accede one single request? How about the other requests? There's no compromise, the only way was for me to give. And if I can't, that's it. The "compromise" that was worked out before, turned out to be a facade for what lies beneath - an illusion, a mere diversion from the original route. Why am i able to stop trying? Because........i......have already done my best. Truly, sincerely from my heart. The past week i searched my heart, my mind, my soul. Is there anything i withheld...anything i did not do when i could....anything that I could have given way even more. The answer is...no. I really exhausted myself of all that i could. Yet my own two hands cannot keep a simple story going. Everything that happened simply leads me to see that by my own effort, I cannot make it work. IT showed me, clearly, that words are simply cheap. So what if I do what I say...so what? Others don't hold that same thought, hence it doesnt make sense for me to hold others to the same thought. Silly me...when I told myself I wouldn't believe in such words again, I did. What does this say about me again. That even when I try, by my own effort, I cannot do it. Lol....what a joke. Though I reject the pain. It keeps hounding me. It hurts....too much....too much to bear. Whenever I'm alone, I crash. I can't be alone....whether outside or at home...I can't. Yet I crave that privacy, that space, where I can cry all I want and nobody will know. My heart is bleeding....screaming in pain..... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mummy bought me a Gucci bag. I was taken aback, yet at the same time overwhelmed by her sweet love. Mummy told me that she knew I wouldn't bear to spend that kind of money on myself and hence wants me to have it. Since other people's daughter have it, her daughter should have one too. You know...tears rained again. This time, it's not tears of pain, but tears of joy. Touching moments like this really make my day. Love is the sweetest in times of adversity. When you feel the whole world is against you, you're crying in pain, and yet a loved one comes and lights up your day with loving words, a tight hug, or a sweet gift. Recalling the times when I cried so so badly...and my face litted up when it dawned on me how much they love and care for me...which soon turned into tears of joy. Those....are really the most memorable moments. Moments that make me appreciate them alot more. Looking at my family....though I'm not rich, we don't own a car, don't live in a big house...I really have everything. Thinking back to words that was told to me by him, suddenly it dawned on me that I should be thankful for my loving family. People don't comment cos it's bad...people comment cos they're envious or feel it's unfair for me to have that. Honestly, I'm glad I have people to turn to whenever I'm down or in need. Despite the arguments, the disagreements, the scuffles that we have, I know deep down, they're always gonna be there for me. Many times they've told me not to give my heart away so easily...yet that very trait that makes me the person I am lets me down again. Lol...I can't do it myself....i need help. Sorry to friends whose advice i didn't heed. I'm thankful that you all support me no matter what I do, regardless of whether you feel that decision is right, because of who I am, not what I do. If friendship can be so sweet, what more, a lifelong love, an eternal partnership can be. I was told I expect alot. To me, I don't. If I did, I wouldn't be where I am today. I would be working real hard in some high-paying job, driving a car and having it all together, not giving a damn over people who don't bother about me. If I expect alot, he wouldn't have made the cut. It's interesting to see how a simple comment actually shoots itself in the foot, but people can't see it. On one hand, give heart away too easily, on the other hand, expect alot. This doesn't seem to gel. Oh well, I've accepted the comments saying that "lyd is better" and "even ysl (so pretty) also cannot find such a good guy". Hence, the redrawal. The former is disappointing. If I can't even measure up in your eyes, why bother in the first place. The latter, is simply, hilarious. A pretty girl standing right before you and you don't think she's pretty and keep looking to other "pretty" girls. Lol i concede defeat...in that view, not mine. Ok, enough ranting for today. The tears that rained for the past 3 hours have ceased, for the time being. Time to catch up on my "beauty" sleep...goodnight. |
| allie ♥ 10:13 PM |
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