& my world will be coloured.

Monday, February 28, 2005

*~...fEeLiN': tired...~*

Ger....u r scaring me with your posts man. Thought you sounded normal when i talk to you.......so much negative thoughts are going through your mind. Sighhhzzzz......i wish i could help......but there seems to be nothing i could do. Forget about the stupid bastards alright........and banish all those thoughts.......never think about slitting wrists or whatsoever again. It's just........so scary..............i have never seen you like that before and i dun wish to see you like that. Know what.....perhaps going home will relieve you of some of the pain and suffering you are feeling ......just a suggestion........=)

It's tough...........but you just have to forget abt it n move on........think positive k...=)

allie ♥ 3:53 PM

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Feeling lost ......

*~...fEeLiN': sIaNzzz...~*

Just read ger's blog....omigod....didn't expect so much to be going thru her mind....even the thought of suicide. Sighzzz.....seriously....i cannot totally understand how she feels right now cos i havent been thru it b4........but oh well....i do know the feeling of being betrayed by guy. I had liked this guy, J, for so long and so much before....but everything came to naught. I gave everything that i could.......but he just treated me like an object....have me there when he likes and just disappear when he doesnt want to have me around. What the hell........who gave them the right to do so?? Then again....they don't have that right....it's us....or rather...me who let them do that. I willingly let him shove me around......be at the beck of his call......and sit by the phone and cry when he disappears. The feeling sucks.........big time.......i had never gone thru so much pain.....not even in my relationships so far........

Yes...i digressed. Sighhzzz....reali dunno what to say after reading ger's blog. Talked to her the other day......found out that she changed so much. She's no longer the naive little girl i used to know. Not totally sure of what caused her to change so much either. I do know that the change din start after the breakup.......it was way before that....i could feel it.....and i see it coming.....it's just a matter of time. I used to think that they were the perfect couple....the "unbreakable couple".....thought he was a realli good catch and all (onli after knowing him..heh...).....but oh well....could see that they were growing further n further apart since she started staying in hall. No idea whether she knows it anot....but i felt it. She was having her own life....and it didnt fit his.....it was way too wild....for him definitely....one that he wouldnt approve or be able to accept. The ger i used to know was restricted in many ways.....the clothes she could buy.....the things she could do...etc. Her family was realli pretty strict and her sis wasnt exactly the most flexible person. Now that i think abt it......it probably played a part too. Her family would not let her go clubbing in the past......i think. But now........it seems like everthing has taken a drastic turn........she can go weeks without going home...though hall is a 2nd home.....and can do things without any restrictions. It seems like there's too much freedom for her all of a sudden...........

Whatever it is.....it's all from my point of view..............dunno whether it's true anot......but oh well.........

I dunno what to say anymore.......ger has grown up.....definitely....but has learnt her lesson through a painful way. I dun wish it on her........but perhaps that's the only way to realli learn. I just hope that she came outta it stronger than before.......... Dunno how much pain she's feeling or how much she's suffering now....i just know that it's alot.....and she's feeling terrible abt it........

Sighhzzz........sometimes i wished it hasn't happened....and that time could be turned back......and everything be back to their original state.......and i can have the old ger back.........but that cannot be..........things happen for a reason.........

Well....i realli believe that if one learns outta a bad experience....the experience probably isn't that bad after all. I guess that's the only way to be positive about all the bad experiences in life.....well...u learn not to do it again don't u?

I don't make sense in this whole post......yes i know it.....but i dun care....just wanna let my thoughts run free...........

Yes......that J guy. No idea what the hell is going thru his head. Liked him for so much then......and waited soooo long for him.....2 years....and he didnt appreciate it them....treated me like i dun mean anything....though he says a diff story. Now........it's a different story. I'm the one who doesn't care.....dun appreciate.......and he comes crawling back. Why is it that guys always want girls that they can't get?? And takes those who's there for them for granted?? Guys....who can understand them.....?

Well.....i learnt another thing....if guys can do that.......so can girls....so can i. If they can treat us like nothing.....we can treat them the same too. Everyone talks about how there are no good guys around already.............i think so too....i realli do. I still think my darling is one of the best guys around already..........but then again...u never know what the future holds. Every relationship started out sweet, nice and perfect........but ends in suffering, misery and sadness. There's nothing that can be "forever"....cos things change......humans change too......nothing is permanent in this world. You can never know what he feels tmr.....or even...the next hour...the next minute.....or the next second. I happen to think that feelings and emotions are the most volatile things in the world. They change at the blink of the eye..........sadly it does.......=(. Oh well...........don't mistake it for me being unhappy in my relationship. I'm not....im very happy in it till now.......and hopefully this will continue.......HOPEFULLY.

Well...u never know what would happen tmr do u..........

Sighhzz...realli hope ger can pick herself up this time. It's a major setback...i know. But no one can help except herself. We can encourage, motivate, and lend a helping hand....but ultimately...she has to use her own strength to pull herself up. IT's time to be independent....freedom does come with responsibilities..........

I think i learnt a lesson too.............

allie ♥ 2:59 AM

Friday, February 18, 2005

aLLie is a REAL ANGRY GIRL...

*~...fEeLiN': pissed...~*

I think i have EVERY RIGHT to be angry this time. It's a loong loong story.....but im really pissed off right now. News story kena shot down just now....but that's not really an issue, cos i expected it to be so. The thing is, i don't understand why a large part of the blame just falls on me....when i tried my very best to finish the project. Sighzzz......

I really don't understand why....

It all started like this......this project partner of mine needed to go back to her hometown overseas for the Lunar New Year. She knew it long ago, and we knew that we had a project to shoot, a news story to complete during that period. And all the time leading up to that Lunar New Year week, we tried to make plans, and find ways to get around the lack of time. She would be away for ONE WHOLE WEEK, the week of CNY. Oh well....i thought....i guess i just have to make do with that. Initially, i was quite optimistic, i thought that we would have enough time to do it...which is true.....until something else happens....

Well....her story was shot the Thursday before she left for her hometown. My story was supposed to be shot on Friday night. Before we shot her story, she seemed rather ill-prepared to me. She knew what questions she would ask, and what shots she wanted, but did not make a list of them. She mentally remembered everything, as she said. The shots were fine....turned out pretty well. But the interview did not. Supposed to be edited into a 3-minute interview....the whole interview process took 1 hour and 10 minutes. Besides time spent on the actual questions, and the important ones, so much time was wasted asking unecessary stuff in my point of view. From the length of the responses gotten at the start and the quality of the responses, i knew what wud be included and what wudn't be. But apparently, she had other ideas in her head. And so the interview continued.....and dragged on for an hour plus. In addition, since she didnt make a list of questions she wanna ask, or note down the pts she wanted to cover, often i had to prompt her on what questions to ask. Also, when it is time to shoot her, she seemed reluctant to ask all the questions all over again. Well, you do have to allow yourself some space to edit right. If we do without all the questions, how are we going to link all the interview parts together???????? Sometimes what she does realli bewilders me. Another point, she doesn't seem to know what should be done. And I was the one who asked the interviewee to do certain shots again cos we needed closer shots. And i was the one who asked the interviewee to sound more emotional so that it wud look more compelling on screen. Oh well, perhaps becos i was the third party and i could see the situation better and being an interviewer, it can be difficult to notice sometimes. Okay, take the blame off her for this. But i cannot stand the slip shot preparation that she did, if she has done any in the 1st place. Cos it means just a waste of more time for everyone. Well, she got my point in the end, after i told her about it. Oh well, so be it this time.....

Friday's supposed to be the day for MY shoot. Well, she gave me some excuse saying that she had to play guitar for some gathering and if she wasn't there, there won't be anyone to play the guitar anymore. SHIT. I cannot believe this. She herself know that she would be flying off on Sunday. She herself knew that she won't be back to the following week's Monday. And she herself knew that we had to finish filming before she flies off. And i did try to make the appointment a Saturday, but the interviewee couldn't make it. So wouldnt the obvious choice be to shoot on friday and forgo the guitar thing??? Well, i wud. It seems like her priority's over the other side. Ok, to give her some credit, she did insist on being there for the shoot, even after i volunteered to shoot the whole interview myself. So we decided to push back filming, to the Monday night after she reached Singapore. Right, things seems to have taken a turn for the better. At least she insisted on being there right...? Yeah right....

Guess what stunt she pulled on me next. On the Sunday when she was supposed to fly off, she called me and told me she wouldn't get back in time for the shoot. She said that her flight has been postponed to Monday night, and that she would only reach Sg on tuesday. SHIT. Not again. This time it seems like it really is beyond her control, unlike the previous incident. FINE. But still, i had to think from my point of view. So after INSISTING that she should be there for the shoot the other time, this time round she just simply said that she was sorry and that i had to do the shooting myself. WHAT THE HELL. I can't believe this. I kept quiet throughout the phone conversation. I had nothing to say and there was nothing i could do. Can i say no??? Can i insist that she fly back before monday night? NO. I could onli shoot it alone. And how do i shoot it alone??? i dunno. "I think u have to shoot it yourself...", that's what she said to me on the phone. And.."so sorry, you could have imagined MY shock when i heard of the news too", she said. WHAT **** is this. Here u are, pang-seh-ing me for the shoot and i was to imagine YOUR shock? Sound logical? It doesn't to me. She said sorry, but i felt no regret in her voice, so empathy, no guilt...nothing.

This means that i had to get help for my shoot. It doesn't help that my other classmates are all shooting over the weekend. By the way, later i changed my shoot date to Sunday, so that i wud have more edit time. Yes, so it means that it would be difficult to get them to be free during my shooting time too. So, i got Alvin to help me, but he's unexperienced in this area. but i have no choice.

Fine...shoot on sunday. Shooting didnt go well at all, some shots were seriously and horribly wrong. I know that. But my interviewee's rushing off for some appointment and it seems like i cannot do anything to repair the situation. She seems busy for other days too. Sigh, but perhaps i was too resigned to do anything to repair the situation too. I have to agree i am partly to blame for this. Sometimes i can be realli perfectionist, but sometimes i just feel too tired to do anything. And this is one of these times.

Monday, editing time. Didnt realli know how to edit at first...but later....realli got the hang of it and found what i want for her story. In the end, managed to get a lead-in that i realli liked....and the story turned out to be pretty attractive. Proud of my work, i ended my editing job there.

Tuesday - she saw the rushes for my story. She knew it was bad....but didnt say anything. I asked her if it was bad, she didnt say, but i knew she thought i was realli bad. I totally agree that it's horrible. But it seems like there's nothing i can do about it. If editing was done well, it could still be turned in a content story, though there wasnt much visuals to talk about. I know she spent the whole day editing and all....but when i saw the edited copy on wednesday...boy was i disappointed. All it looked like to me was just cut and paste. It looked like one just took the various clips and put them on a timeline. There wasn't any overlapping of voices, pictures, whatsoever. The interview was so.......dull. Though i would like to credit her for the number of hours spent in the editing room, I cant help but think that she was again slip shot in her work. I couldnt stand it, i had to edit it again. Hence, i edited the whole thing again. She came in and saw that, and was furious that i was edited her one whole day of hard work. But i told her the rationale, and she was agreeable. I told her i would edit another copy and we compare and see which is better. It sounds gd to both of us. So fine.

You know....at this point i had totally given up on her. I spent hours trying to weave her rushes into a nice and convincing story....i expected her to do the same for mine. My interview's rushes werent good, but the least she could do would be to realli TRY to EDIT right? It seemed to me that she didn't try hard enough. I showed her what i edited.....and she was happy with it, saying that the lead-in was nice. I know my work's not the best....but that was best i thought i cud do at that time....and i did my best.

It seemed to me all along that this work to her is always secondary to other things. When she viewed her own rushes the week before she left, she didn't even finish logging the whole damn thing. We had one and a half tapes worth of footage. But she onli logged half a tape, and left after that. She said she gotta go somewhere. Again...i cant believe this. She knows that she has to fly off. She knows that she don't have another time to view n log her rushes. She knew that she had to get the work done. But yet, she just left it hanging. When she came back to edit my story, everything was logged properly for her. Though i have no idea whether she used it in the end, it seemed like she didn't.

Sighzzzz....what can i say.......i am sooooooo tired after this whole project....after doing it alone for more than one week...........

The good thing is, her story got chosen for spectrum, which means that it was a gd job done. Realli glad=). She gave me credit, saying that i did a good job in editing. But i was realli teamwork that did it. But i am quite proud of my own editing work...haha....but only for the starting. This was the upside of this whole project. For my story, the review was pretty bad. The shots were not framed properly, alot of things were wrong.......i dun feel like going on.......cos it has no end. Yeah.....after i heard all this...all the resentment....negative feelings came up again. I was again angry at her.....for making me do all the work myself....for letting this happen.........and for not trying to do anything to salvage the situation. There was a reason why her story succeeded. We both contributed, and added in our own ways. But for my story, that wasn't the case. I did everything myself, no input, no nothing from her. I wasn't that eager abt my project too.....sighzzz....cos i felt relli helpless at that time. Yes yes...not an excuse for me...i know.

I think i learnt alot from this whole incident. Mum told me that i wud meet some irresponsible people sometimes. She also told me that i could still get help on my own. I learnt that even when im left alone....i could still do a good job....just that i have to do double the work. I learnt that sometimes sacrifices have to be made in order to do the job well. I have learnt that i realli have to depend on myself. I cannot trust anybody else...only myself. I also learnt that what i do might not be recognised....and also i might be blamed for something that is not entirely my fault. I really feel realli terrible today. I cried once the other day....and i cried again today. Cos i cannot stand the feeling of being blamed for something when i put in so much effort into it. LIFE IS JUST NOT FAIR!! I told myself not to cry, but i cant help it, im not strong enough. I wanna be...but i cant....not yet. I feel so hurt....so sad.....so wronged...................................sobzzz......

Im beginning to see this from another point of view. I dun wanna wallow in self pity animore. There's much to learn from this incident...and i got quite alot out of it. At one point i realli wanted to just burst out and scold her for all the things that she had done....but i realli dun wanna do that fearing that i might hurt her and also the working relationship we had. I didnt wanna jeapordise our future projects. And so i didnt. i kept it inside all along......and it felt realli bad on my part.......so much ANGER was inside me and i couldnt let it out. Alvin didnt understand. So i had to cry....cos i was folding under all the stress and pressure i felt. And today....i felt the same. Almost cried in the lecturer's room today....but so glad i didnt. Proud that i held back. But i let it out in the toilet...for onli 1 minute. Hee......maybe im starting to make improvements after all. I will get stronger........and i wun let this faze me. Well, if she wants to continue being like this...that's her business.....cos i will do it MY way. I'm sure i can do it on my own.......i will.

Allie should grow up by now............

allie ♥ 3:32 PM

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

my photos

*~...fEeLiN': happie...~*

those are my valentine memories......will update later...hehe. I had a nice....sweet...wonderful evening with darling Alvin. Thanks for the night!

allie ♥ 10:04 AM