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| Monday, January 31, 2005 |
*~...fEeLiN': crap...~* Kris.... Just read ur blog actually.....n i dunno how to react to that. Felt so mistrusted that day.....was realli pissed that u kept so much things from me. Right from the day when u guys broke up n u told me.....i was pissed already. All this time i was kept in the dark....no news abt it.....nothing.......till the actual thing happened. And i thought i wud know earlier than that????? I guess i was wrong........felt like crap and all.....alvin knew that i was realli upset then. Upset cos u two were such a great couple...both of u were great friends of mine but couldn't continue the relationship......and upset cos the link btw us had been broken. i spent alot of time talking to alvin after i talked to u the day of the break. Telling him abt how we grew closer because of him as the link.....and how the frenship realli blossomed. And the link has now broken.......and things will neva be the same again. You do realise that we have grown closer becos of him don't u....all the trips u made here also helped i guess. And since u two started growing apart.....ur trips to our hall lessened too....we talked less...met less.......and drifted apart too. I guess that's inevitable...... As much as i would like to blame someone for that....i know i can't......cos both of us have a part in that. I know that u saw my msn nicks, which was always saying that i was busy with something.........but i guess that wasn't the whole truth either. A part of u was also pulling back......not wanting to try to talk. I have no idea how u r going to react to this but that's how i see it. Cos that's how i felt too. Your msn nicks were always saying that u r busy with dance n stuff...when i wanted to talk to u.....the nick do put me off a bit......but then again....another part of me is pulling back too....telling me not to disturb u....and u probably have better things to do than talk to me. Sighzzzzzzz............... And as much as i would like to salvage the situation...i feel like i can't. You kept going on and on about ur frens.......sarah...and whoever that came into picture. i felt realli left out. Didn't know what was happening at ur side.....and couldnt relate to that. I felt that you've changed....the way u talk......the way u act....the way u think abt stuff......u've changed alot. Perhaps i have too....just that i can't see that much a change. But i still see myself as the same old allie.........who treats u as my lesbian partner......n one of my best frens. I know we've drifted apart.........n sometimes i wish i cud just talk to u.....but i couldn't...cos u seem to have ur own life without me and lk pretty happy with what u haf. I just accepted what I saw as that........ Was realli upset......but i felt helpless. Even if i complain to u abt whatever that has happened......u wud defend urself.......n the problem wud still be there. I am not saying that it's not my fault. I am partly responsible too. It takes two hands to clap....we both have a part in it. And somemore i felt that i wasn't so important anymore......seems like i was slipping down n down the ladder of friends. I have to take a backseat while ur other frens take centrestage. And u have to keep so much stuff for me. I always told myself that if there was anything important, you would tell me, as u wud last time. But apparently, i was wrong too. I din realised i missed out on so much that had happened. I felt that i had a right to know. And he probably thought u would tell me cos we were closer than i am to him. But since we havent talked for some time.....i didn't know a thing. Two good frens....so much happened around me......and yet i know nothing. Can i not be angry? Can i not be pissed? You would be too if u were me..... I know u tell me not to be upset...and i shud try to understand what u have done. But i realli dun understand..................becos the reasons u gave dun seem valid to me. Sighzzz.........i'm upset again. Whatever u have given as ur reasons.......now it seems like a blur to me. I dun care whether that is reasonable or not....cos in my pt of view...it isn't. Have always treated one of my best frens...even when we drifted apart....i thot that hasn't changed....n wouldn't change. You would always have the 1st invite to my birthday party....the 1st i would ask to go shopping.....and the 1st i wanna talk to when i needed someone to talk to. I know u wud do the same too.....but that was months ago.... Now....i dun think so. So much have changed over the months.....my place dun seem so important anymore.....do i have a reason to be upset? I guess the whole incident just stirred up the feelings all over again......and i have to crack somewhere don't I? I can't always be the.."i understand" or "it's okay"....kinda fren when i dun feel that way....... well.......whatever........ Realli wanna preserve the frenship..........realli missed those days we had. Just wanna let u know.........u would still receive the 1st invite to my birthday party............definitely........ |
| allie ♥ 10:37 PM |
| Wednesday, January 26, 2005 |
*~...fEeLiN': sick=(...~* Yes yes i know.......i haven't updated my blog for some time. These days....all i seem to be doing are filming, readings, volleyball, hall prod $$ matters and assignments. No time to go for OMC canvassing......no time to talk to friends......no time to watch TV, play games, or even to sleep a little more. Sighzzz....and it's only the 4th week of school. Life will only get more hectic....somehow.....i'm beginning to get discouraged by all the things that are going on.... I want to let myself off for a day.......just to slack n do the things i wish to do....but i cannot afford that. Sad life...but yeah....dat's my life. Was realli motivated with all the challenges to my own time management skills at the start of semester...but now...........just getting sadder as each day passes.....if not for my dear teddy bear always there to encourage me and to lend me his shoulder to depend on..........i would probably just give up... Every sunday is taken up too.......canvassing.....canvassing......photoshoot.....surf n sweat.......blah.......and there goes my 4 consecutive sundays. Next week's sunday has yet to be taken....but it will be soon...by....canvassing again.......sounds depressing to me....and there's nothing that can realli perk me up at this point..... My dearie has been realli great these days though. Yesterday when i forgot to bring my jacket to class.....he brought it to CS for me all the way from hall when he's supposed to be in class at that time. So sweet of him.......was realli touched by it. Small gesture.......but it speaks a lot. It might seem like a small thing right......no jacket for a day....but 5 hours of continuous lessons in a freezing cold room is enough to make me suffer. We could even freeze with a jacket worn on usual days....not to mention one day without a jacket. Dearie knew that.........and he's a real sweetie realli.........bringing the jacket for me......so glad that he's mine.....hehe..... Oh well.....the more work i have....the more i feel like running away.......but ultimately...running away doesnt solve any problems. Being sad also dun solve my problems.........=(. Yes i know.........i still gotta do work. Fine....i give up on finding a solution to this.....=P |
| allie ♥ 2:44 PM |
| Monday, January 03, 2005 |
*~...fEeLiN': ExcitEd...~* Hehe......it's the 1st day of school! Was actually dreading the classes before school started today......cos i havent enjoyed my hols yet=(. But now........realli looking forward to the class this sem. The modules im taking sounds realli interesting.....at least to me la...=P. IR sounds pretty cool.....though we have quite a bit of history to study - my weak point realli....but the stuff dat Kluver mentioned sounds pretty good though.....at least the 1st lecture was quite funny...haha. Brenda's 215 wasn't too interesting.........but when she mentioned the stuff she was going to cover......it did perk up. Guess im going to go thru these 2 modules after all....haha=) Last year passed by in a blur......school......studies..play and all just whizzed past without any pause. I cant seem to remember much of what realli happened. Hope that this would be a better year for me........new year resolutions - 1. To work harder this semester and to score better in exams=) 2. To develop more patience and be less short tempered =P 3. To make more $$$...haha......guess i will have to take up some jobs after all.....in preparation for the march event and for spare cash..... Bought loads of stuff when i went shopping yesterday...but it left me kinda worried....well....i shan't mention about what. I hope that the situation at home gets better too.......for everyone at home. Thinking of moving home to stay instead of staying in hall......for lotsa reasons......but it's gonna be realli inconvenient. But with my timetable this sem, it's not gonna be a big problem..........then again.....it also means less participation in school if i move back home.......sighzzz.....dilemma........but i still have one sem to decide.............how now.............................. |
| allie ♥ 5:34 PM |
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