My sweet but silly little boi left me any entry in my pretty little Jordi Labanda notebook. I love readin his messages like this......surprise surprise. But this time the entry realli worries me. It is not like the usual cute cute ones with comic effect. Instead....this is a real serious piece. Sighzzz......i know that i always seems dissatisfied with what he does.......always throw tantrums......cry.....and stuff. I dont wish to do all that...realli. I guess i'm just feeling insecure and that i need some care and concern from him. He would always feel guilty about what he has done and try to "por" me.....which will eventually solve the whole problem. I realli dont mean to do that all the time.....but sometimes i really cant help it. The things he do do make me feel that he probably dont care as much as i thought he would. But on the other hand.....i know that deep down in his heart, he does care....alot. He might overlook certain things at very crucial moments.....and fail to correct certain things despite repeated reminders......but i know that it doesnt mean he dont care.

I always accuse him of not caring about me whenever i throw such tantrums. And it's always because of some minor issue. But somehow......i do not that what i accuse him of is not true.....but i just want to hear the truth from his own lips.....makes me feel better that way. I have no idea why am i acting like that....feel that im a bad person.....and people might think that im a domineering gf.....but i am not! At least not in my point of view.....sighzzz.......that doesnt realli support my stand does it....well. All these tantrum episodes do have a side effect...which i have only JUST noticed. I have been selfish too.....accusing him of not caring enough for me. And thruout these times i have not realised the effect it had on him. He said he felt that he's always making me angry...........and that it's always him who makes me angry....not the other way round.......and it makes him feel like he's a bad boyfriend.........despite trying hard to be a good one........siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggghhhhhhhhhzzzzz........poor boiboi. I have not realised at all......until now.........that he feels so bad about all these....and so inferior.....he said it seems like im the perfect gf and he's the faulty bf. That is not the case!!!! I happen to think the other way round......he's always so sweet to me and yet im always the one throwing tantrums and getting angry. Arggghhhhhhhh.........what a mess......

I realli dont know where im getting to right now.......lost the way im supposed to go .......

Oh well....my dear boi......you are not a bad boyfriend......in fact....i think you are a great bf! The best one i've had so far. HOpe ya dont so bad liao...cos i realli dont mean to do all that.....realli.........i only wanted some care and concern...that's all..........

I think i've not been very good to my boiboi.....hmmmm....why do i say that.....cos he sorta do too many things for me already. Helps me with the washing of my toilet....makes my bed for me.,...always give in to me....always give me little gifts that makes me smile....and above all...have to put up with my nonstop threats to get angry.....and my tantrums. Sigh.......i realli shouldnt throw tantrums like that.....but somehow....becos i know he will give in to me....so i dun mind letting go of all that. But somehow....i dun think his patience can last too long......one day he will just snap and blow at me......at least that's what i think. So far he's realli patient....always trying to give in or accede to my requests whenenver i throw tantrums. Sigh,.....sometimes i wonder if i do deserve such good treatment from anyone. I shouldnt take him for granted realli....cos if i ever lose him one day.....i would regret it like hell.

And its not that i dont treat him well at all....i do treat him pretty nicely in a sense.....i do buy stuff for him.....cook for him....follows his decisions....and so on. But i dont think im treating him as well as i should have done......sighzzz.....and by that.....i mean i shouldnt be so short tempered and anger so easily.....and shouldnt throw tantrums so often. I know i realli shouldnt....but i just cant help it..........arggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh....what to do. Poor boi....gotta put up with all this.

I was pretty upset over the weekend though......cos he asked me to an og outing to his and yet treat me as almost invisible thruout the whole thing. When going to the ktv room....he didnt even hold the door for me or ask me to come in and i ended up tagging along like an extra......sadzzzz. And thruout the whole course of the ktv...he didnt ask me a single time whether i wanted to sing or wanted to eat any of the food.........i have absolutely no idea what he was thinking. Perhaps he thought that im old enough to make myself feel at home there or what.....but it's not even MY gathering! I mean...it's not my og......and other than matt, minime and some other seniors....more than half of the people are people whom im meeting for the first time! There was no introduction of me to the rest by him.....and he didnt ask me to sing a single time......though the seniors did sorta force me to sing at one point. Even matt and minime wanted to choose songs for me to sing........they even knew what songs i would sing. Sighzzzzzzz.....felt so miserable.....and one of his juniors even asked me whether i wanted to eat anything and that she would get for me. What the hell........everyone except for the guy whom i call my bf cared more about me than he did. Damn angry. But i was surprised i actually held on and smiled thruout the whole ktv session until the end when i couldnt stand it anymore. Towards the end i was sulking and refusing to talk to him. At first i thought that it wasnt a good time to show my anger as there were others around so i kept cool.....but in the end i was feeling so bad i couldnt stand it anymore so i openly showed my dissatisfaction with him.....an understatement realli......yeah...i had a black face on all the time. Think he realised and we made an early exit. Sighhhhhhh.....dunno why i had to cry all the time but ya when i got out....he asked me what was wrong.....i refused to say and he thought it was because he didnt sing with me. Sigh........what was he thinking...though it was partly true. I couldnt stand it anymore....i kept it inside for 3 whole hours already.......so i cried.....in the middle of orchard road. Sigggggggggghhhh....it was so embarrassing....but i couldnt help it. If i could have stopped myself...i wouldnt. I realli needed to install a manual tap in me man.............sigh. Poured out everything to him........complained about everything that he did and things he din do as well. ....he seemed realli sorry.....and apologised....but it seemed so easy for him cos everytime he does something wrong........an apology always does the trick. I hate to let him think that sorry can solve everything......and i refused to let down. He said it was a mistake on his part.....and that he honestly wasnt caring enough. Said he wouldnt do it again. I was skeptical......like he realli wouldnt do it again. I feel like im neglected everytime theres someone else other than the 2 of us.......and he said he wouldnt make me feel like that again. I had to forgive him cant i.........but i cried all the way home......and to sleep that night. Havent cried so much in a looooong time already............but i hate that feeling......i realli do.......and he had to make me feel like that. I still hate him for what happened that day......but we are fine now.....back to normal i guess......now keeping my fingers crossed......hope that it doesnt happen again.

Well....guys dun ever seem to know what girls are thinking do they........and they always like to think that they know. If it was only that easy.....relationships wouldnt be difficult at all already. Haha.......everytime i think back on that incident....i would be realli upset...sigh. I told myself not to lose my temper so easily on him just days before that cos i realli shouldnt take him for granted......but that was realli the last straw......and i couldnt stand it anymore. I realli should instill more patience in myself......and not be angered so easily.......sighz....patience my dear..........dun let urself lose the thing that you treasure and then regret what happened alright........